The long and the short of it.

Sometimes our greatest fears become a reality. A sad realization comes to light and we wonder if it could really be true.

Yesterday someone asked me what I did all day while I am here with Mishelle.
I think a lot of people might ask that question. When people come by, she just lays there, if they speak to her she will respond by lifting her hand or by giving the queen wave.
Imagine if you were lying in a bed so overcome by weakness and dehydration, your body mass reduced to skin and bones and you have no way to move. Even holding your eye's open is extremely difficult. In spite of all this you are completely aware of your surroundings. Your minds is functioning and listening. Now imagine people coming and going they stop to stare at you they may or may not say hello. They may talk about you like your not there, often saying things without realizing you can hear them. You lay there waiting for someone to roll you over or to ask if you are in pain. The drugs they are giving you are causing you to see bugs crawling all over and you need the other drugs to make the bugs go away. Your to weak to push your button to get the help you need. So you lay there feeling the passage of time and feeling like it's all going in slow motion.
To look at mishelle, you might think she is sleeping. I would call her state semi conscious. I know she is awake most of the time because when I ask her a question she responds immediately.
As I have said before, the nurses and staff here are outstanding but they also have many other people to care for. What I do all day is work on my book and act like we are sitting together having coffee. I check every 1/2 hour that she is not hallucinating to badly or that she is not in pain. She needs her legs adjusted often, she is getting sore spots on her heels. I read to her and tell her about my plans and I talk to her about all my problems and worries. I ask her for advice and she gives me the thumbs up for yes and down for no. She is still my big sister after all.
So in answer to that question, that is what I do all day.
It is what I will continue to do until I am no longer needed. In the big picture, it's a very small chunk in time. Mishelley has been through so very much, and being the fighter she is, has done much of it quietly and alone. I have no other gift to give but my time. It's my my way of repaying her for the hours and hours she sat with me over the years. Listening to all my troubles and handing out the best advice and for always being right about how things would turn out.

I am finding it harder and harder not to cry, I wish that this journey would come to an end for her. That damn stubbornness is still going strong. One of the nurses here called her an enigma. Indeed!