The moon is full, the wind is a blowing and Mishelley is seeing stars. Today we had the window wide open in the room. It was awesome! Mishelle gets so hot and it is so warm in the building, it felt wonderful.
We had a long night last night. They were worried that Mishelle may have a toxic reaction to the Pain meds because of the dehydration so they cut back on it. This resulted in her needing more break through meds. Also because she has some hot spots on her back side they need to reposition her many times each night. She has a buzzer around her neck and just needs to press the button. However, she would snap her fingers and try to call me to get me to get up and ring her buzzer. This resulted in me getting about 3 hours of sleep. I decided to do a little looky lou on the net about dehydration. It seems that this is a very comfortable way to go and people actually feel less pain when dehydrated.
hmmmmm............ She is very weak now and needs help to move her legs. She does not like to be touched. It's very hard for her to speak. She uses hand signals and we go through the list of things we know may need to be changed to make her comfortable. That's my girl. she can't talk but she is still bossing me around with her hand signals.
We had a very quiet day again today. It was nice. Tonight she opened her eye's for about 10 minutes. I sat beside her in the wheelchair and she stared into my eye's. I felt like she wanted to talk but couldn't.. so I did all the talking. I told her that the moon was full and beautiful and if I could, I would roll her outside to look at it. It had rained a bit and the wind blew the smell of fresh rain on dry grass into the room, it smelled good. I asked her if she could smell it and she nodded yes and held up a finger, I took that as a good thing. I asked her if she was in pain, she nodded no. I asked her if she was hallucinating still,(she was last night) she nodded yes. I asked if it bothered her, she nodded no. I asked what she was seeing. She whispered "stars". I asked her if she was scared, she nodded no and made "a little" sign with her fingers. I promised her I would get her through this, we would get through it together. She nodded yes. Then she closed her eye's and relaxed.
I am so grateful for these small moments, I don't know if I will get another. As hard as it is to sit here and watch her for hours on end, these moments make it all worth it.
So now I am going out to look at the moon and feel the cool wind blow the stress of the day away.
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Renee, you are truly a saint. Your blogs make me smile and bring tears to my eyes. I read your blogs everyday now to keep on top of how you and Mishelle are doing. Time cannot be turned back but I commend you for having the courage to take advantage of each and every special moment you have with Mishelle. Gosh, even silent, she is still amazing! You both are. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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