The bubble has burst.

When someone we love is very ill, we get thrown into uncharted territory. We leave behind everything familiar and move into the unknown. We are called into a realm of not knowing. I like to call it the bubble.

There is a film between us and the rest of the world. We can watch our lives go on but there is a distinct force field that hold us just out of reach. This uncertainty is a difficult condition for the human mind and spirit. It doesn't matter how many tragic events happen in your life, all have different circumstances all of them cause the "not knowing, which force us into the bubble.
As the bubble offers seclusion, it also offers protection.
Once the bubble bursts, we move back to a state of knowing and the flood of emotion hits like a ton of bricks. Every thing becomes clear and we are forced back into life. Ready or not.

I am still having a hard time believing she is gone. We would talk on the phone a few times each day and now when ever the phone rings, I think it is her. We used to watch a show on TV, me at my house and she at hers, but we were on the phone chatting like we were sitting in the same room. Sometimes we would talk for hours. I feel like I have been punched when I remember she is not here anymore.

I had to go to her house and pick out some clothes for her to be cremated in. (yes, they dress them now) It was an exercise in desperation. I picked out a beautiful outfit that I know she loved. It was her "Vegas Dress" It was a white summer dress,. I matched it with a green blazer. I could not find the right shoes, She only had winter shoes in her closet, and we searched high and low but could not find her summer shoes. There was no way I was going to put black chunky shoes on with a white dress. I felt panic. And then I saw the multi colored fuzzy slippers she wore everyday for the last few months of her life. Decision made. Honestly, shoes would not have gone on her feet anyway. The slippers were perfect. I grabbed Elvis, her stuffed rat and a picture of her and the kids and delivered it all to the funeral home.
I am fairly sure those folks at the funeral home think I am nuts. She wrote on the cremation request that Mishelle was to hold the picture in one hand and to have Elvis in the other. She would have loved that.
And I have to say that I bust out laughing when Bryan brought home the page of obits from the paper. All these serious pictures .... then Mishelles with the glasses. It could not be more perfect.
Anyway, I just thought I would mention the bubble thing. It's not a bad thing, it's just life becoming normal again, although it will never be the same normal as it was before.