When someone we love is very ill, we get thrown into uncharted territory. We leave behind everything familiar and move into the unknown. We are called into a realm of not knowing. I like to call it the bubble.
There is a film between us and the rest of the world. We can watch our lives go on but there is a distinct force field that hold us just out of reach. This uncertainty is a difficult condition for the human mind and spirit. It doesn't matter how many tragic events happen in your life, all have different circumstances all of them cause the "not knowing, which force us into the bubble.
As the bubble offers seclusion, it also offers protection.
Once the bubble bursts, we move back to a state of knowing and the flood of emotion hits like a ton of bricks. Every thing becomes clear and we are forced back into life. Ready or not.
I am still having a hard time believing she is gone. We would talk on the phone a few times each day and now when ever the phone rings, I think it is her. We used to watch a show on TV, me at my house and she at hers, but we were on the phone chatting like we were sitting in the same room. Sometimes we would talk for hours. I feel like I have been punched when I remember she is not here anymore.
I had to go to her house and pick out some clothes for her to be cremated in. (yes, they dress them now) It was an exercise in desperation. I picked out a beautiful outfit that I know she loved. It was her "Vegas Dress" It was a white summer dress,. I matched it with a green blazer. I could not find the right shoes, She only had winter shoes in her closet, and we searched high and low but could not find her summer shoes. There was no way I was going to put black chunky shoes on with a white dress. I felt panic. And then I saw the multi colored fuzzy slippers she wore everyday for the last few months of her life. Decision made. Honestly, shoes would not have gone on her feet anyway. The slippers were perfect. I grabbed Elvis, her stuffed rat and a picture of her and the kids and delivered it all to the funeral home.
I am fairly sure those folks at the funeral home think I am nuts. She wrote on the cremation request that Mishelle was to hold the picture in one hand and to have Elvis in the other. She would have loved that.
And I have to say that I bust out laughing when Bryan brought home the page of obits from the paper. All these serious pictures .... then Mishelles with the glasses. It could not be more perfect.
Anyway, I just thought I would mention the bubble thing. It's not a bad thing, it's just life becoming normal again, although it will never be the same normal as it was before.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
Obituary and date of service
I have put the obituary that I wrote in here in case anyone doesn't get the paper on Tuesday. Please pass this to all the people who may want to know. The details of the service are in the obit. There will also be a wine and nibbles and a walk through and celebration of Mishelles life immediately after the service. That will be held at Park 96 in Parkland. I will have a hand out at the service with directions. The new picture is the one I put in the obituary. I am sure you will all totally agree that it is totally her and so very appropriate.
Mishelle Anita Boychuk
August 15, 1957 – April 3, 2010
August 15, 1957 – April 3, 2010
Mishelle let go of her extremely stubborn attitude on April 2, 2010, which allowed her to move on to her next life on April 3, 2010. When cancer attempted to constrict and smother her, the hope in her heart punched a hole in it and let the light of a pure soul shine through.
She was loved by many and showed us all what it is like to be super-human, as she faced all her challenges with tenacity and determination. She passionately loved her family, friends and dogs. Mishelle loved to laugh at herself, and others, and brought that joy to those around her.
Mishelle is survived by her children, Jessica and Christopher Hovagimian, her mother, Heidi Boychuk; brother Riccardo Boychuk (wife Karin) niece Sarah, nephew Brandon; sister Renee Boychuk (Husband Bryan Hetlinger) niece Madalyn and nephew Jack. She was predeceased by her father, James Roy Boychuk.
A special thank you to all her amazing friends who stood by her side throughout her long illness.
A celebration of her life will be held at McInnis & Holloway – Fish Creek Chapel, on Saturday, April 24, 2010 at 11:00 am.
In lieu of flowers, please donate generously to Foothills Country Hospice Society, Box 274, Okotoks, AB T1S 1A5.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Forever Young
7:30 am Saturday April 3, 2010 Mishelley took her last breath and her incredibly strong heart beat for a final time. She was gently guided to a better place by family,friend, amazing nurses and the angel on guard. It was a tremendously painful and touching moment that we all had the privilege to share. Her final release from so much pain, to let go knowing she battled so hard to to get to here, to being forever young.
Her children stood strong and loving by her side, giving her permission to move to the next life, assuring her that the light of her life would guide them in theirs.
And as for me, my heart is broken completely in half. I have a space, now that will always belong to her and her memories. For now I will let go and say goodbye until we meet again..... I told her to have a glass of wine, some nachos and a scrabble board ready.
Please stay posted to the blog. I will post more information on the when and where of her Memorial service. I look forward to putting faces to those of you who responded via blog and e-mail and phone calls.
I would like to thank all the people who followed this blog and all the wonderful comments you posted here. I read every one of them to Mishelle and I know she felt all the love and caring your words captured.
Renee
Her children stood strong and loving by her side, giving her permission to move to the next life, assuring her that the light of her life would guide them in theirs.
And as for me, my heart is broken completely in half. I have a space, now that will always belong to her and her memories. For now I will let go and say goodbye until we meet again..... I told her to have a glass of wine, some nachos and a scrabble board ready.
Please stay posted to the blog. I will post more information on the when and where of her Memorial service. I look forward to putting faces to those of you who responded via blog and e-mail and phone calls.
I would like to thank all the people who followed this blog and all the wonderful comments you posted here. I read every one of them to Mishelle and I know she felt all the love and caring your words captured.
Renee
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Guardian Angel
There is a very strong male presence in the room now. I can feel all sorts of energy coming and going around here, but this one isn't leaving. He stands guard by her bed. The energy I feel is gentle, calm and protective, I believe it is her angel.
Another sleepless night. Mishelles body is starting the process of letting go. She is experiencing much longer periods of apnea (moments of not breathing) These periods have been getting more frequent as time goes on. Her pulse is running at about 130 bpm. Her oxygen levels are hovering in the low 80's. (92 and above are normal) Her respiration's are coming from the mid chest. These will move higher and higher as the process progresses. The night nurse informed me that this is the beginning. I gathered the change must have been significant as the Doctor came at 9:30 last night to check on her. So, I basically slept with one eye open and watched her breathing.
I am going to go home tonight to sleep. Chris is going to stay. I hope all goes well through the night.
Another sleepless night. Mishelles body is starting the process of letting go. She is experiencing much longer periods of apnea (moments of not breathing) These periods have been getting more frequent as time goes on. Her pulse is running at about 130 bpm. Her oxygen levels are hovering in the low 80's. (92 and above are normal) Her respiration's are coming from the mid chest. These will move higher and higher as the process progresses. The night nurse informed me that this is the beginning. I gathered the change must have been significant as the Doctor came at 9:30 last night to check on her. So, I basically slept with one eye open and watched her breathing.
I am going to go home tonight to sleep. Chris is going to stay. I hope all goes well through the night.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
The long and the short of it.
Sometimes our greatest fears become a reality. A sad realization comes to light and we wonder if it could really be true.
Yesterday someone asked me what I did all day while I am here with Mishelle.
I think a lot of people might ask that question. When people come by, she just lays there, if they speak to her she will respond by lifting her hand or by giving the queen wave.
Imagine if you were lying in a bed so overcome by weakness and dehydration, your body mass reduced to skin and bones and you have no way to move. Even holding your eye's open is extremely difficult. In spite of all this you are completely aware of your surroundings. Your minds is functioning and listening. Now imagine people coming and going they stop to stare at you they may or may not say hello. They may talk about you like your not there, often saying things without realizing you can hear them. You lay there waiting for someone to roll you over or to ask if you are in pain. The drugs they are giving you are causing you to see bugs crawling all over and you need the other drugs to make the bugs go away. Your to weak to push your button to get the help you need. So you lay there feeling the passage of time and feeling like it's all going in slow motion.
To look at mishelle, you might think she is sleeping. I would call her state semi conscious. I know she is awake most of the time because when I ask her a question she responds immediately.
As I have said before, the nurses and staff here are outstanding but they also have many other people to care for. What I do all day is work on my book and act like we are sitting together having coffee. I check every 1/2 hour that she is not hallucinating to badly or that she is not in pain. She needs her legs adjusted often, she is getting sore spots on her heels. I read to her and tell her about my plans and I talk to her about all my problems and worries. I ask her for advice and she gives me the thumbs up for yes and down for no. She is still my big sister after all.
So in answer to that question, that is what I do all day.
It is what I will continue to do until I am no longer needed. In the big picture, it's a very small chunk in time. Mishelley has been through so very much, and being the fighter she is, has done much of it quietly and alone. I have no other gift to give but my time. It's my my way of repaying her for the hours and hours she sat with me over the years. Listening to all my troubles and handing out the best advice and for always being right about how things would turn out.
I am finding it harder and harder not to cry, I wish that this journey would come to an end for her. That damn stubbornness is still going strong. One of the nurses here called her an enigma. Indeed!
Yesterday someone asked me what I did all day while I am here with Mishelle.
I think a lot of people might ask that question. When people come by, she just lays there, if they speak to her she will respond by lifting her hand or by giving the queen wave.
Imagine if you were lying in a bed so overcome by weakness and dehydration, your body mass reduced to skin and bones and you have no way to move. Even holding your eye's open is extremely difficult. In spite of all this you are completely aware of your surroundings. Your minds is functioning and listening. Now imagine people coming and going they stop to stare at you they may or may not say hello. They may talk about you like your not there, often saying things without realizing you can hear them. You lay there waiting for someone to roll you over or to ask if you are in pain. The drugs they are giving you are causing you to see bugs crawling all over and you need the other drugs to make the bugs go away. Your to weak to push your button to get the help you need. So you lay there feeling the passage of time and feeling like it's all going in slow motion.
To look at mishelle, you might think she is sleeping. I would call her state semi conscious. I know she is awake most of the time because when I ask her a question she responds immediately.
As I have said before, the nurses and staff here are outstanding but they also have many other people to care for. What I do all day is work on my book and act like we are sitting together having coffee. I check every 1/2 hour that she is not hallucinating to badly or that she is not in pain. She needs her legs adjusted often, she is getting sore spots on her heels. I read to her and tell her about my plans and I talk to her about all my problems and worries. I ask her for advice and she gives me the thumbs up for yes and down for no. She is still my big sister after all.
So in answer to that question, that is what I do all day.
It is what I will continue to do until I am no longer needed. In the big picture, it's a very small chunk in time. Mishelley has been through so very much, and being the fighter she is, has done much of it quietly and alone. I have no other gift to give but my time. It's my my way of repaying her for the hours and hours she sat with me over the years. Listening to all my troubles and handing out the best advice and for always being right about how things would turn out.
I am finding it harder and harder not to cry, I wish that this journey would come to an end for her. That damn stubbornness is still going strong. One of the nurses here called her an enigma. Indeed!
Monday, March 29, 2010
The wind, the moon and the stars
The moon is full, the wind is a blowing and Mishelley is seeing stars. Today we had the window wide open in the room. It was awesome! Mishelle gets so hot and it is so warm in the building, it felt wonderful.
We had a long night last night. They were worried that Mishelle may have a toxic reaction to the Pain meds because of the dehydration so they cut back on it. This resulted in her needing more break through meds. Also because she has some hot spots on her back side they need to reposition her many times each night. She has a buzzer around her neck and just needs to press the button. However, she would snap her fingers and try to call me to get me to get up and ring her buzzer. This resulted in me getting about 3 hours of sleep. I decided to do a little looky lou on the net about dehydration. It seems that this is a very comfortable way to go and people actually feel less pain when dehydrated.
hmmmmm............ She is very weak now and needs help to move her legs. She does not like to be touched. It's very hard for her to speak. She uses hand signals and we go through the list of things we know may need to be changed to make her comfortable. That's my girl. she can't talk but she is still bossing me around with her hand signals.
We had a very quiet day again today. It was nice. Tonight she opened her eye's for about 10 minutes. I sat beside her in the wheelchair and she stared into my eye's. I felt like she wanted to talk but couldn't.. so I did all the talking. I told her that the moon was full and beautiful and if I could, I would roll her outside to look at it. It had rained a bit and the wind blew the smell of fresh rain on dry grass into the room, it smelled good. I asked her if she could smell it and she nodded yes and held up a finger, I took that as a good thing. I asked her if she was in pain, she nodded no. I asked her if she was hallucinating still,(she was last night) she nodded yes. I asked if it bothered her, she nodded no. I asked what she was seeing. She whispered "stars". I asked her if she was scared, she nodded no and made "a little" sign with her fingers. I promised her I would get her through this, we would get through it together. She nodded yes. Then she closed her eye's and relaxed.
I am so grateful for these small moments, I don't know if I will get another. As hard as it is to sit here and watch her for hours on end, these moments make it all worth it.
So now I am going out to look at the moon and feel the cool wind blow the stress of the day away.
We had a long night last night. They were worried that Mishelle may have a toxic reaction to the Pain meds because of the dehydration so they cut back on it. This resulted in her needing more break through meds. Also because she has some hot spots on her back side they need to reposition her many times each night. She has a buzzer around her neck and just needs to press the button. However, she would snap her fingers and try to call me to get me to get up and ring her buzzer. This resulted in me getting about 3 hours of sleep. I decided to do a little looky lou on the net about dehydration. It seems that this is a very comfortable way to go and people actually feel less pain when dehydrated.
hmmmmm............ She is very weak now and needs help to move her legs. She does not like to be touched. It's very hard for her to speak. She uses hand signals and we go through the list of things we know may need to be changed to make her comfortable. That's my girl. she can't talk but she is still bossing me around with her hand signals.
We had a very quiet day again today. It was nice. Tonight she opened her eye's for about 10 minutes. I sat beside her in the wheelchair and she stared into my eye's. I felt like she wanted to talk but couldn't.. so I did all the talking. I told her that the moon was full and beautiful and if I could, I would roll her outside to look at it. It had rained a bit and the wind blew the smell of fresh rain on dry grass into the room, it smelled good. I asked her if she could smell it and she nodded yes and held up a finger, I took that as a good thing. I asked her if she was in pain, she nodded no. I asked her if she was hallucinating still,(she was last night) she nodded yes. I asked if it bothered her, she nodded no. I asked what she was seeing. She whispered "stars". I asked her if she was scared, she nodded no and made "a little" sign with her fingers. I promised her I would get her through this, we would get through it together. She nodded yes. Then she closed her eye's and relaxed.
I am so grateful for these small moments, I don't know if I will get another. As hard as it is to sit here and watch her for hours on end, these moments make it all worth it.
So now I am going out to look at the moon and feel the cool wind blow the stress of the day away.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Me, Mishelle and Bob
It's about 7:00 pm Sunday and I am getting sick of the TV. I figured it was time to toss it up a little. They have a great little stereo system in every room. I popped in a Bob Marley disc and she has smiled a few times. SUCCESS!! I told her to think of hanging on a hot sunny beach in Jamaica.
It's been a very quiet day today. Just Mom and Bryan visiting. Chris, Jess and Richard were here this morning, Chris slept on the couch last night.
I am so hoping to have a quiet night with just the two of us. We have not had much time alone. I have been reading to her a little bit. She is having some pain in her stomach tonight, so the furrowed brow is back once and a while. It worries me a little. I am sure it is the revenge of the 3 freezes she insisted on this morning. Unfortunately, what goes in must come out. I know this but how do you say no? She is so hot and dehydrated. It must feel wonderful to have that cool icy liquid. She really wanted a forth but I had to tell her no!
I want to cry so bad, but I won't. I sit here thinking about our life as sisters. It makes me laugh when I think about some of the funny things we did when we were kids. I remember sneaking up behind her while she was playing a little keyboard we had. She was playing like she was Beethoven. I poked her in the back and she reflexively threw me across the room. She was so mad. We used to sleep in the same room and she is a notorious sleep talker. Wow, she used to babble up a storm. She would sit straight up, eyes open, arms flailing. Then we moved to Parkland and she got her own room on the second floor. Mine was right beside hers and I just wanted everything she had. She was almost 6 years older and looking back, I am sure I was a huge pain in her butt. She put a lock on her door to keep me out. I soon discovered that if I went out my window and across the roof, I could pop her window open and help myself to all her stuff. It was a good plan. Then one night she locked herself in her room to wrap Christmas presents. She had taken some pretty big bags in there. Curiosity got the better of me so I climbed out my window and had my face pressed against her window. I felt totally evil and thought I was pretty smart. She looked up and I thought she was going to have a heart attack. She screamed so loud, I am sure they heard her a mile away. It was dark and she didn't register that it was me. She almost knocked her door off the hinges trying to get out. Not only did I get in huge trouble but I was busted big time. She shoved a broom stick in her window handle after that. She also swooped in and saved me so many times from getting in trouble.
But back to reality, now we can sit here together quietly and just enjoy each others presence. Her being peaceful and me watching her breathe.
What will I do with out her .......
It's been a very quiet day today. Just Mom and Bryan visiting. Chris, Jess and Richard were here this morning, Chris slept on the couch last night.
I am so hoping to have a quiet night with just the two of us. We have not had much time alone. I have been reading to her a little bit. She is having some pain in her stomach tonight, so the furrowed brow is back once and a while. It worries me a little. I am sure it is the revenge of the 3 freezes she insisted on this morning. Unfortunately, what goes in must come out. I know this but how do you say no? She is so hot and dehydrated. It must feel wonderful to have that cool icy liquid. She really wanted a forth but I had to tell her no!
I want to cry so bad, but I won't. I sit here thinking about our life as sisters. It makes me laugh when I think about some of the funny things we did when we were kids. I remember sneaking up behind her while she was playing a little keyboard we had. She was playing like she was Beethoven. I poked her in the back and she reflexively threw me across the room. She was so mad. We used to sleep in the same room and she is a notorious sleep talker. Wow, she used to babble up a storm. She would sit straight up, eyes open, arms flailing. Then we moved to Parkland and she got her own room on the second floor. Mine was right beside hers and I just wanted everything she had. She was almost 6 years older and looking back, I am sure I was a huge pain in her butt. She put a lock on her door to keep me out. I soon discovered that if I went out my window and across the roof, I could pop her window open and help myself to all her stuff. It was a good plan. Then one night she locked herself in her room to wrap Christmas presents. She had taken some pretty big bags in there. Curiosity got the better of me so I climbed out my window and had my face pressed against her window. I felt totally evil and thought I was pretty smart. She looked up and I thought she was going to have a heart attack. She screamed so loud, I am sure they heard her a mile away. It was dark and she didn't register that it was me. She almost knocked her door off the hinges trying to get out. Not only did I get in huge trouble but I was busted big time. She shoved a broom stick in her window handle after that. She also swooped in and saved me so many times from getting in trouble.
But back to reality, now we can sit here together quietly and just enjoy each others presence. Her being peaceful and me watching her breathe.
What will I do with out her .......
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